Leave me alone

There's crips on the couch
Soda in my bed
A mess in my room
and I am trying to forget
all my secrets
that I can't say out loud
the me you havent yet seen
of whom I'm not sure you would be proud

and I want to scream
But instead I keep my mouth shut
and I want to dream
can't you just forget about me
I'm more than enough for me
can't you just leave me alone

the boy is fast asleep
walking around his world of peace
Barely 10 o' clock, Christmas holiday
There's Mr Freeze
waking him up
opening his door opening his eyes
can't you just
leave him alone

She's known them over 10 years now
the last couple of years they grew close
now the girl is confused
truth she finds right under her nose
she's not who they think she is

she doesn't like their clothes
she doesn't like their life
She doesn't like their music
She doesn't feel alive like them
Can't they just leave her alone

And writing this song
the idea grasped me that
she really is me
i need some time to process
I need some time to understand
who i want to be
can't the world just
leave me alone
today

and I want to scream
But instead I keep my mouth shut
and I want to dream
can't you just forget about me
I'm more than enough for me
can't you just leave me alone

Next to mine

I am right here
But my head's at some other place
My head's in a dream
In which I vaguely see your face

next to mine
next to mine

I like to be on my own
So I can dream the day away
I just have to close my eyes and I see
how my life can be in every other way
and I vaguely see your face

next to mine
next to mine

I dream of finding love and peace
I dream of immortality
I dream of peace of mind
I dream of the day that I will find
your face

next to mine
next to mine

big hit, back to reality
here I am
avoiding all the eyes
focused on mine
And all I want is
vaguely seeing your face

next to mine.

I want to be her

She walks with head held why
She can't imagine why I silenty cry
She's so proud of who she is
I can't imagine to explode like her

She don't know my secret
She don't know how I envy her
To her I'm just a somebody
A somebody with wild hairs

Admiration fills me up
I want to be her
Inspiration invades my head
I want to be her
I want to be her

Was her process easy
Was her head fucked up like mine
What was her first reaction
When she discovered she would just be fine

Does she want to fly away
as much as I do
Does she want the dark to stay
as much as I do

Admiration fills me up
I want to be her
Inspiration invades my head
I want to be her
I want to be her

The words might not come easily
She is just so brave you see
I want to be her
I can be her


Admiration fills me up
I want to be her
Inspiration invades my head
I want to be her
I want to be her

My hiding place.

No I'm
not going back
into that state of mind
i don't know
what i was looking for
or what i was gonna find
i now know
it was all just one big lie

Life looked quite perfect
I can act well indeed
and no one expected
that was not what i need

i just need you my love
about the rest i don't care
as long as i i've arms to rest in to
life treats me fair

No I'm
not going back
into that state of mind
i don't know
what i was looking for
or what i was gonna find
i now know
it was all just one big lie

this might be a surprise
for the people i love
they'll never guess
i just want to rise above me

My safety zone was dark it was nice
i felt there at home that was no surprise
as i long as i could lie to myself
as long i could pretend not to care...

But no I'm
not going back
into that state of mind
i don't know
what i was looking for
or what i was gonna find
i now know
it was all just one big lie

No I'm
not going back
into that state of mind
i don't know
what i was looking for
or what i was gonna find
i now know
it was all just one big lie

Sometimes it's hard to let the comfort be
it's scary to walk in the light
But every once in a while i climb out my refuge
i spread my wings and fly

No I'm
not going back
into that state of mind
i don't know
what i was looking for
or what i was gonna find
i now know
it was all just one big lie

Change

What I am doing
just torturing myself
searching for everything
I am not

Looking for people
with smiles on their faces
Love in their armes
and peace on their mind

The torture is painful
but pain can be nice
confronting yourself
CHANGE

Change Laura Change
Become who you really are on the inside
Change before it's too late
Change before time has run out on you

First I need to think
Instead of letting others decide for me
The easy road
is not always the most fun one

The bumpy road
might be challenging
but when the end comes in sight
the view makes everything good

Oooh how I need to change
Become who I really am on the inside
Change before it's too late
Change before time has run out

Oooh I need to change
Life can be over any minute
So better change now
before it's too late
change before time has run out

Show the world who you really are
that's not an easy task
but in the end it's so much more relieving
than living a lie...


Oooh how I need to change
Become who I really am on the inside
Change before it's too late
Change before time has run out

Mother

Mother you try so hard to understand
But there are things I just can't say
You know my heart's not made of stone
But sometimes it feels good that way

Please be patient with me
Before I can tell you who I am
I need to know it myself

I know you're a good woman inside
So please, be patient with me

There's so many things I don't understand about you
But I know on the other hand you feel that way about me too
But we can get through
It will take some courage from both me and you
but we will get through

I won't let you down
Even if I'll run away
I'll come back to you
it's true
you and i
have got something going on

Mother please just understand
I'm not trying to punish you for
staying with him
For me it's just not healthy to stay
in that environment
i need to get out
i need to run away

Mother please let me go
and understand my means
Mother I just need to run
to the country of kings and queens

I need to feel like another person
I need to feel I'm okay
With you and him around me
I just can not feel that way

And once I found it
Once I found my peace of mind
I'll come back a better person
And we'll get along just fine

I know you're a good woman inside
So please, be patient with me

There's so many things I don't understand about you
But I know on the other hand you feel that way about me too
But we can get through
It will take some courage from both me and you
but we will get through

you and i
we will get through

better than I do

Everybody seems to know what suits me fine
You are such a typical fill it in they say
I am confused cuz they seem to know me
better than I do

Constant doubt fills my mind
Am I doing the right thing
I'm the only who's not convinced of me it seems
I am confused cuz they seem to know me
better than I do

My schooling suits me fine they say
But I don't know
My sport is so right for me they say
but I don't know
I am confused cuz they seem to know me
better than I do

People think they know what's wrong with me
Truth is they don't know a single thing
My friends say they understand and feel the same
but they don't
they don't know me at all


People think they know what's wrong with me
Truth is they don't know a single thing
My friends say they understand and feel the same
but they don't
they don't know me at all


I am confused cuz people seem to know me
better than I do

No apologies

No apologies you'll get from me

I won't let you talk shit about me
No sir that won't do
You're no better than I am
What did you get yourself into

You don't know nothing about me
So why do you judge me
You won't get me down with your talks
You won't get a piece of me

No apologies you'll get from me
I won't render an account of me
No sir no apologies
Cuz I am proud of me

I will not fall
I won't slip in your puddle of mud
You can't drag me down
I won't be hiding behind your facade

I see, we're more threatening than war
Love vs death, easy choice
Our kids giving their life far away
While we just share our singing voice

No apologies you'll get from me
I won't render an account of me
No sir, no apologies
Cuz I am proud of me

Let us get married
Bring our troops back home
Mr President
Don't you dare leave us alone

Pay the bills you got to
pay the price
look at the world
you have left behind

It's true
You don't know nothing about us, do you?

No apologies you'll get from me
I won't render an account of me
No sir, no apologies
Cuz I am proud of me

I am proud of me

Sarah/Proud

That night was so important to me
Yet I've got no one to tell it to
It's true
Those two hours were the best of my life

I now know what it feels like to be home
My heart aches just remembering it
I'm still not back with my two feet on the ground
Now it's a little less hard to admit

I, I am who I am
There is nothing wrong with me
I, I got to love myself
I am my best part

Women like me surrounding me
All the peace and love blew my mind
All the good vibes in the air
I want to come home tonight

I, I am who I am
There is nothing wrong with me
I, I got to love myself
I am my best part

You were standing there on the stage
You, you were loud and out
Everything I want to be
Please teach me how to be proud

No one can imagine the impact of that night
No one knows how much I want to come home tonight
I want to come home tonight

I, I am who I am
There is nothing wrong with me
I, I got to love myself
I am my best part

I, I am who I am
There is nothing wrong with me
I, I got to love myself
I am my best part

Right now, I'm a little bit more out
Right now, I'm a liitle bit more proud

"Dad"

So I know that it's not your fault
Must have been the way that you were raised
His hand threatening above your head
I can imagine the fear in your face

I know what it's like
I was raised that way too
He fucked up my life
I don't know what to do


Oooh he scared me so much
Even though he never left no visible scars
But his hand his agression his wide open eyes
were too much for the teenage girl in me to handle

But I know that it's not your fault
you know I do understand
But deep inside you're like him to
Oh brother please understand

I'm not trying to hurt you
I'm stating a fact
You'll end up like him too
won't be love you'll attract


Oooh he scared me so much
Even though he never left no visible scars
But his hand his agression his wide open eyes
were too much for the teenage girl in me to handle

Ooh brother, please don't take this the wrong way
ooh brother, please stay and listen to what I have to say
You have your good sides too
You're not made out of one but out of two, remember

ooh brother, deep down you know you can change
Ooh brother, don't be afraid to change
I want to run away so very much
Away from this fucked up life
But I'm afraid to leave you and Momma behind..


Oooh he scared me so much
Even though he never left no visible scars
But his hand his agression his wide open eyes
were too much for the teenage girl in me to handle

Oooh mother why didn't you leave a long time ago
Ooh mother, sometimes running away is the one thing to do
Ooh mother, I'm scared to leave you behind
Ooh mother, I'm so scared of what I will find

When I come back home
Back to my roots and the hands that raised me
You know I will come back
Mother, you won't lose me

No you won't lose me

Being too harsh on me

I am much too harsh on me
If all the things I said were true
I should rather die...

If all the things I said were true
I couldn't do anything right
I couldn't love no one in the proper way

I could never find the route to that bar
I could never learn to drive
or wait for you in the hall

If all the things I said were true
then what's my purpose on this Earth
I wouldn't do nobody no good
and life would be too difficult for me

I am much too harsh on me
I am good in some ways too...

You know my door is always open
When I want to reach a goal I go for it
I'd do anything for the people I love
I'm being too harsh on me

I'm being to harsh on me..

no one in sight

I'm fed up with all the people coming to me
for my understanding face
I'm fed up with people's problems
Which I can't seem to give a place in my life

I'm the one who needs to talk
But I've got no one to talk to
I'm the one who needs a listening ear now
but there's nothing i can do

I'm the spill of everything
I know about all the shit in life
But when I want to talk about who I really am
there's no one in sight

no one who could understand
no one who could feel the same
no one like me no one who cares
there's no one in sight.

Someone like me

I've lost myself
a million times
I run I fought to find back
the me I was longing for

I've got to disappoint you
I haven't found her yet
So for now could you please save me
for i don't know who I really am

Please lay your hand on my shoulder
Rock me to sleep
Please tell me that I do matter
and wash away all my tears
wash away all my tears

All I need is someone who cares
Someone who understands
Someone who can take me out
introduce me to my life
Someone like me

I need someone like me

Please take my hand and guide the way
For I am just very lost
Look in my eyes and see that I'm proud
But I can't just show it yet

All I need is someone who cares
Someone who understands
Someone who will take me out
introduce me to my life
someone like me

oooh i need someone like me
someone like me..

Please take my hand and guide the way
For I am just very lost
Look in my eyes and see that I'm proud
But I can't just show it yet

Maybe

By trying to hide who I really am
I lost all forms of spontanity
By not showing my ME
I threw away all my oportunities

If I just was an average girl
My whole life would have been so much easier
But it would not be half as fun
as the life that lies in front of me

I thought hiding my heart away
Would mean not having to worry
But instead hiding my heart away
was the worst mistake I ever made

Yes I want to change
throw my life upside down and be who I really am
be who I really am

I know paving the way is hard
but nakedly walking the way
with your head proudly held high
is difficult too

By trying to hide who I really am
I lost all forms of spontanity
By not showing my ME
I threw away all my oportunities

I need to show who I really am
I need to get back my spontanity
By trying to show my real ME
Maybe I'll earn some opportunities

Maybe I'll earn an opportunity

Maybe

SARAH BETTENS - Tivoli, Dec 7, 2007

Lezzies on my left
Lezzies on my right
Lezzies all around me

Yesterday night was the beginning of the rest of my life, I'd like to think. I deliberately went alone so that no one would ruin my experience. Just standing there in a room filled with loving lesbians would have been worth the money. Women standing in front of the stage, arms wrapped around each other made me BELIEVE. The people saying that all of us there yesterday night are wrong and are going to hell can kiss my ass. All that crap sounds so pathetic now, the room could not have been filled with more love and peace as there was yesterday night. I felt at home. Part of something I am not at all familiar with yet but it felt good. Talking with other lesbians, sharing our love for (one of) our icon(s): Sarah. Sarah looked hot, played the guitar like there was no tomorrow and she completely blew the roof off. The set list was awesome; I loved the fact that she played Come Over Here and that she performed the hot little dance I had first seen her perform on video the afternoon before the show.
I loved the fact that everyone was dancing, jumping and singing along. My eyes must have almost dropped out of my head watching Sarah and watching all the cute couples around me.

And right now, I don't want to continue with my life as if nothing happened. That concert was a life- altering event for which I need the time to process all the images burning on my retina.

Sarah was loud, out and proud; everything I want to be; is that too much to ask?

Yesterday night, screaming along (nice play with words, huh?) I decided that I will not let people walk over me any longer. I will NOT let the shame reign my world any longer. I will proudly say my name and not be ashamed of the person behind the name. Óh yes I know that this won't happen just like that; it's a process which needs its time. But I have the time. I'm only 18, I can wait. But now I know that someday I will stand there in the audience again, arm in arm with my girlfriend.

I think it's about to contact my cute classmate...

To be me

Like a big cold hand
sqeezing my heart
a shiver running down my spine
that's how it feels
that's how it feels to be me

follow me
into my world
sometimes i'm convinced it's better to be ignorant and not know who you are. Cuz what good does it bring to know YOU when you can't be YOU?

it's only now that i have come to know the intensity of life
and it's few moments of brilliance

And I know it's not just me who has to deal with so much shit- that would be a quite egocentric thought- but i do wonder why life throws so much shit my way all at the same time. I'm not some sort of superpower who can deal with all that. In fact, it drags me down that negative spiral I was finally climbing up again.

Just a day without the constant realization that I'm hiding the real me would be great. Just a week without other people's shit would be nice.

And I'm so scared..



Tonight I'm going to see Sarah Bettens. My first encouter of that sort with someone like me. I can't wait and yet I'm scared to death. Can I handle meeting someone like me? Can I handle meeting someone who more or less knows what it feels like to be going through all the stuff I'm going through? Truth is, I don't know. I'll just have to wait and find out; maybe I'll actually meet someone like me there. And maybe we could just talk and talk..and maybe then i could even say the words out loud..maybe.



Maybe.



God, I'm scared.

A fucked up head that is..

Maybe I should seek a therapist. There just doesn't seem to come an end to all the shit in my head. You know, the thing I just most want now is to just crash. Crash down; lay in bed all day, listen to my music, watch a movie, just no obligations. And that, for a month or two. Alas, that's not happening. No I have to go to school and homework to make, I have my work, I have volleyball and coaching and preparing matches and playing some too to do. Oh, and I have my personal life as well, or the little that's left of it anyway. I turn my back to the people who care; I don't want to go out, I don't want to go for lunch, I don't want to watch a movie; I'm afraid of having to live up to expectations. I'm afraid to disappoint people when they find out I am not the person they want me to be. I turn my back on them as not to break their expectations. I just want to be alone and lay in bed all day. I don't want to go to work; I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to get out of bed..

Maybe I should seek a therapist.