Screaming in the mist.

Sometimes I wonder
will I remain standing
or will I fall?
I thought I had it all figured out,
but it turns out
that I know nothing at all.

Who am I?
Or who do I want to be?
I get scared when I realize
I don't know the answer to either.

I had it figured out so well.
I knew where my fears came from
and I knew when and where I had pushed them away.

But as I get older
my fears are still there,
but they changed in the way
they unfold.

God, I knew it all so well.
After analyzing my life
over and over again
I understood my own psychology so well.
I had my issues and I dealt with them,
but lately I've come to realize
those are not my issues anymore today.

I get scared again.
Who am I?
Who am I turning out to be?
Am I my mother?
Am I my father?
Am I who everyone around me wants me to be?
Or am I me?

Don't I know what I feel?
Or don't I feel anything at all?
At times I feel a million kind of things at the same time
and the thoughts in my head
just won't shut up.
At times I feel nothing.

Why can't I show the right emotion at the right time,
when people expect me to?
And why do I cry and hyperventilate, automutilate
at the strangest moments?

Who am I?
Why does my body stiffen when someone touches me?
And why can't I put an arm around my loved ones
when they need me the most?

I love to analyze human behaviour and I know it all so well,
but when it comes to myself I claim to know it all,
yet frankly I know nothing.

Truthfully, the older I get the more I see my dad in me.
The man I grew up hating and finally learned to accept for who he is.
The older I get, the more of him I see in me
and the realization of that makes me want to
scream from the highest mountain top
or disappear in the mist.
Preferably both at the same time.

I can's stop wondering:
am I turning into my father?