Love 'n hell

Love 'n hell
Hell 'n love
Sometimes I just don't understand
myself
my feelings
how can i possibly live in
those two states of mind
both at the same time?

The words coming out of your mouth
The look in your eyes
They hurt.
You don't even see it
or maybe I just hide my pain too good
-as I normally do-
I might look like a tough girl
Who can deal with all the shit
the world throws at her
and she definitely tries
-oh god she tries so hard-
but she hasn't succeeded just yet
and she knows she will win
one day
but that day hasn't come yet
and so it hurts
it hurts like hell.

The very first time I saw you
About 5 years ago
7th grade
I immediately fell for you
I didn't even know what love was
Who I was
But I loved you
Didn't even really know you
Just being with you
made my day.

Now several years later
You're still a weak spot
in my hart
but i thought my head had won
from my heart
i had realized there was no "we"
and i tried to run away from you as hard
as I could.
I ran miles and miles away from you
Managed to do that
for at least 6 months
but lately
-yesterday-
I started feeling like I did
in 7th grade, again.
You sitting next to me
Smiling at me
I accidentally touching you
Our mouths
just a couple inches away from each other
man, i fell for you again
i fell hard for you again.

Love 'n hell
Hell 'n love
Sometimes I just don't understand
myself
my feelings
how can i possibly live in
those two states of mind
both at the same time?

Too afraid to get hurt

If I look back
it's always been like this
tough on the outside
but broken from within
too scared to be hurt
so i just built a huge wall
around my heart
to protect it from all the pain
and shame that could ever
bring me down.
Throughout the years
that wall has grown bigger and bigger
no matter how much i lift my head
i can't see the end
-it doesn't have an end-
that big it is.

I'm so afraid to get hurt
So I just made sure
that it can't happen
but didn't I, at the same time,
also prevent myself
from being happy?
From loving
and being loved?

I think it's time
for me to break down that wall
it will take some time
since that wall is huge
it will be difficult
the bricks are hard
and it was carefully built
but I will get there

someday.

Let me live

It are your truths
hell not mine
if you want to believe your lies, please do so-
it's your life-
but don't assume i'll automatically do so
as well
i know what my truth is
i know what to believe
i don't need you to believe it as well.

Believe in your own truths, lies,
as I do in mine
i respect your beliefs
so why can't you respect mine?
why can't you just let me live my life
as i want it
as i let you do?

The Four Agreements

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

.........................................................................

Random thoughts from a hurt person

Ache.
Pain.
Black.
Hole.
Chest.
Hurting.
Growing.
Empty.
Hurting.
Hole.
Black.
Pain.
Ache.
Empty.
Hurting.

Alone.
Alone.
Alone..........

Who am I?

I want to feel my pain
in order to be able to recognize
true happiness
I want to feel my shame
to be able to feel real pride
but for some strange reason
i like this negative side
i WANT to feel my pain and shame
i guess to feel different or something
Sometimes I wonder
What the heck is wrong with me?
Who am I?

Circle of wisdoms

I'm learning something new
everyday
Even about subjects
I thought I already knew
everything about
My life
My love
My friends...

Everyday
I learn something new
From every person I meet

"Be strong, speak true and spread the peace"
"Go where it's warm"
"Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best"

So many wisdoms
So little time
I wonder
How many lifetimes
will it take
For this circle to be complete?

Your average girl

Brown reddish dyed hair
5"3 tall
a little chubby
I'm just your average girl
Nothing special
or that's what I have been told anyway
I grew up hearing
"don't try to be different,
you should be an average girl"
I couldn't disagree more
I always wanted to be different
and be noted in the crowd
So I dyed my hair
started wearing different clothes
using dark make-up
but it didn't make me happy
it was not who I am

And now
I might not LOOK different anymore
I might just seem your average girl
but I know I'm different from the inside

I'm happy.

Hypocrite

People expect others
to behave like they do
what they consider "normal".
Seems odd to me
since we are definitely not all the same
and no-one is "normal".

A couple hours before the day
that man sleeping in the same bed as my mom
asked me if i had already bought her something
as "tomorrow is Mother's Day!"
and I shouldn't forget.
Of course he meant well
he's not a bad man
but sometimes he's a little hypocrite
as he never knows what we're talking about
and always forgets everything
-last year he forgot my birthday and
if you wouldn't say anything
he'd prolly forget to eat as well-
and btw I had bought her something
several days ago.

It's such a common saying
"treat others like you want to be treated"
but am I the first to notice that this is
very hypocrite?
I have different standards than he has
and I'm proud of that
I don't expect him to treat me like I treat him
As a matter of fact
I'd be very surprised if he did so!

I think we should change this saying
We should change this saying into
"treat others like you think suits them best"

Road to happiness

I have so many things left to do
It only becomes clearer
when reading about someone else's happiness
brings tears to my eyes

it will be a long road
to where i'm supposed to be in my life
but i will get there
some day.

I know I'm stuck in the dark and
cold
and that I should go where it's warm
and shiny
but right now I can't
as I'm stuck here in the middle
just my pen and paper
and myself to depend on

I know I can make the journey
I know I will make the journey
It's just not meant to be made just now.
That's difficult for me
But I have learned I will have to learn the lesson of this all
before I will be able to move on
find myself
walk the path of my truth
instead of someone elses.

I know someday
the path of pebbles I have to walk on barefooted
will turn into a red carpet
on which I'll hop
with satin shoes
made just for me

And then I'll know I've made it
that I have found my road to happiness.
Right now,
first I have to find the power
to look further than my small western village
and open my eyes to find the path
MY path
my road to happiness.

Misunderstanding the universe

It's not how it's supposed to be


Sometimes I wonder
why can't we be
just a little loving family

Inner love instead of words
Inner love instead of hate
mutual understanding

Love will stop the pain
Love will kill the fear
What I've been craving for
for so long

I need some drastic change
To find my youthful happiness
But you continue living in your bubble
Pretend your eyes don't see

But I KNOW your heart feels it
No matter how hard you try to surpress those feelings
you know it
i know it
i want to be happy
i want you to be happy but
you're too afraid of change
So you keep living your life in a bubble
until you die
you won't be able to say you have lived
you won't be able to say you have loved
you're only able to say
you've managed to escape reality
be proud of it.

As an old Indian saying: We don't inherit the world from our parents; we borrow it from our children

As I see what we've made
of the world we have been given
sometimes i want to shed a tear
people killing each other
for no apparent reason-
not that there are acceptional reasons
for killing one's own brother-
millions of innocent people
dying because of a lack of food
while on the other side of the ocean
people are dying
because of an abundance of food
sometimes I want to shed a tear
especially when i turn on the news
and an 18 year old skinhead-
just a kid for God's sake-
kills a black woman and a 2 year old girl
simply because the woman is black.
HAVEN'T WE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM OUR PAST?
DO WE HAVE TO CREATE THIS CIRCLE, LET THE SAME THINGS HAPPEN OVER AND OVER AGAIN??

All I can say
is

karma
karma
karma...................................................