All I want is peace of mind..

For so long I've been looking for a place where I can be me without being ashamed of it. I think I've found it.

Name:
Location: Zeist, Utrecht, Netherlands

I'm 23 years old, Dutch. I'm madly in love. I'm a thinker. I'm spiritual. I'm social, funny and a friend.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

there must be something good inside that man.

For the first time in my life, he actually gave me a compliment- or something that was supposed to be like one. wow. after all these years.

Sometimes it's better to move on than looking back

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim."

Monday, February 18, 2008

Boy shot dead for being gay

A boy shot this week at an Oxnard middle school was pronounced brain-dead Wednesday, and the 14-year-old classmate suspected in the shooting could be tried for murder as an adult, authorities said.

Lawrence King, 15, an eighth-grader at E.O. Green School, was pronounced brain-dead at St. John's Regional Medical Center in Oxnard about 2 p.m. after two examinations by neurosurgeons, said Craig Stevens, a Ventura County senior deputy medical examiner.

Although King was clinically dead, he was being kept on life support late Wednesday for possible organ donations, Stevens said.

King's condition appeared to be improving Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, according to police and school district officials. It was not immediately clear what caused his condition to take a mortal turn.

King was shot in the head about 8:30 a.m. Tuesday in a computer lab where about two dozen other students were working on English assignments, authorities said.

Student witnesses said classmate Brandon McInerney shot King twice. Authorities have declined to identify the suspect.

The shooter left the computer lab after the attack and dropped the gun at the scene. Minutes after responding to Green, a Port Hueneme police officer noticed a boy who matched the shooter's description walking and talking on a cellular phone on Pearson Road, Port Hueneme police Cmdr. Jerry Beck said. The officer arrested the 14-year-old, who was later identified as the suspect, Beck said.

Murder charge possible

Oxnard police, who are in charge of the investigation, had not formally presented a case to the District Attorney's Office. But District Attorney Greg Totten said Wednesday that given the severity of the crime, he expected the suspect to be charged as an adult.

The suspect could be charged with murder and using a firearm during the commission of a crime, Totten said. If convicted, the 14-year-old boy could be sentenced to 50 years to life in prison.

The District Attorney's Office expected to file charges this morning. The suspect is scheduled to be arraigned in Ventura County court this afternoon. He was being held in Juvenile Hall on Wednesday.

Relatives of McInerney declined to comment Wednesday.

"It's a horrible tragedy for everybody involved," said McInerney's attorney, Brian Vogel.

"My client's family's thoughts and prayers go out to the teen's family," Vogel said of the victim.

Two had personal dispute

Relatives of King, a foster child, could not be reached for comment Wednesday.

Oxnard police said the shooting apparently stemmed from a personal dispute between King and the suspect. Police spokesman David Keith said investigators interviewed more than 100 people Tuesday, but he declined to reveal further information on a possible motive.

Some students have said King was openly gay, although police and school officials have declined to comment on that. Others have said he and the suspect had an ongoing dispute, including an argument Monday.

Matthew Puga, a seventh-grader at Green, said King was sometimes teased for wearing makeup and girl's clothing to school. Another seventh-grader, Emmanuel Martinez, said other kids would often pick on King because he dressed and acted differently.

Speaking to reporters who gathered outside the C Street campus before classes resumed Wednesday morning, Principal Joel Lovstedt said he was not aware of any previous fight between the victim and suspect. "If there had been a fight, it wasn't to the level that it reached my office," he said.

Lovstedt said he had heard reports of teasing, and he had spoken to the victim about the problem. "I've talked to the victim myself, and I said if anyone teases you, let me know," he said.

Lovstedt said the suspect "didn't seem like a violent kid at all."

King was in foster care, living for the past few months at Casa Pacifica, a residential center for troubled and abused youths in Camarillo, said Steven Elson, the facility's administrator. King traveled by bus to Green every day, he said.

Elson said he could not comment on King's personal life because foster care records are confidential.

Memorial planned

"It's just overwhelming, unbelievable," he said of the shooting. "Our staff and kids are really trying to cope with this.

"We have not had a child die in a violent manner like this," Elson said, adding that Casa Pacifica plans to hold a memorial service next week.

Staff members at Casa Pacifica were familiar with King's struggles, and when they heard about the shooting, they contacted the Ventura County Rainbow Alliance, said Jay Smith, executive director of the alliance. The nonprofit group advocates for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender rights.

About three-quarters of Green's 1,150 students showed up for class Wednesday, said Hueneme School District Superintendent Jerry Dannenberg. As the school day began, mental health counselors spoke to each class. Students were also invited to visit counselors individually.

"I'm very sad that he died and I won't be seeing him anymore," student Martinez said.

Need for tolerance stressed

Dannenberg met with reporters at the school after hearing of King's worsening condition. "I'm deeply saddened by what happened," Dannenberg said. "My heart and my prayers go out to his family."

Without commenting on a possible motive, Dannenberg stressed the importance of tolerance. "We have to be accepting of others, and when there are differences, people need to resolve them without resorting to violence," he said.

Oxnard Councilman Tim Flynn expressed his sorrow, saying "you have two young lives completely destroyed."

Flynn's father, county Supervisor John Flynn, went to the school Wednesday afternoon. The elder Flynn said he taught at the school when it first opened in the 1960s. "It's horrible what happened here," he said.

Principal Lovstedt said Green would review its safety policies.

"This is a horrific act. If we had any inkling that something like this would have happened, we would have stopped it," he said.

"This has generally been a pretty good school — not a lot of fights on campus. The next part we need to look at is prevention."

— Star staff writers John Scheibe, Anna Bakalis, Raul Hernandez and Kathleen Wilson contributed to this report.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

From: Here I Go

It's funny how things I've written some time ago (well, this one only a month ago) can seem so....fitting.

"when the thing she's been longing for
for the past few years
is finally offered
she wants to grab it with both hands
but she's too afraid to go
i'm so afraid to go
but here i go"

Reflections of everything I'm not

Yesterday again, I was scared to death to look in the mirrow, which is not a very good thing when you're at the hairdresser's. I hate to see my own ugly, fake, reflection, because I know I'm not seeing myself and I'm scared to death of who I'll see instead. What kind of monster will look at me in a car's reflection? What kind of pathetic little birdie with big eyes stares at me in the reflection of my computer screen?
I know one thing for sure; I can't continue living like this. I want to see the reflection of who I really am. I want to be able to look myself into the eye and love who I see.

American Beauty

Do I really look that miserable?
Is it really me I'm seeing?
Or is it someone else inside my skin?
Do my eyes really look that sad?
Why did it take a haircut for me to finally look into my eyes?
Why did I have to cut my hair before I could really see me for the first time in years?
Do others see me?
Or do they see the me I used to see?
Suddenly things come together.
Remember how confused I was when I felt so rotten inside and nobody seemed to notice?
Maybe they will now.
Now I see how messed up I really am
others might see it as well
an American Beauty
we're all fucked up in some way
at one point
or another

A Message to LGBT Americans: “I Want to be Your President”

By Senator Hillary Clinton

As I have traveled around the country these past twelve months, what I sensed in my heart has been confirmed – America is embracing its LGBT sons and daughters with an acceptance and understanding as never before. On the campaign trail, a father of a gay son will ask about ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. A woman will ask why she can be discriminated against just because of who she is. Sometimes they wait furtively for the crowd to thin and then whisper their confidences in a soft voice and sometimes they stand up proudly at town meetings and want me to share my views on how I will help lead the change to assure that this country fulfills its promise to everyone.

Let me tell you what I have been telling voters across America. I am fully committed to the fair and equal treatment of LGBT Americans. For seven long years, the Bush Administration has tried to divide us - only seeing people who matter to them. It's been a government of the few, by the few, and for the few. And no community has been more invisible to this administration than the LGBT community.

I will change that. The best evidence of what I will do as President is what I have already done.

I am proud of my record as First Lady, as a U.S. Senator and as a candidate for President in working toward the fair and equal treatment of LGBT Americans.

· I am proud that as Chair of the Senate Democratic Steering and Outreach Committee in 2006, I worked closely with LBGT community to develop a smart strategy that defeated the Federal Marriage Amendment. I am proud of fighting the FMA as divisive wedge politics at its worst.

· I am proud to be a co-sponsor of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, the Matthew Shepard Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act, and the Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligation Act which would grant the same benefits (including health insurance) to domestic partners of federal employees that are currently offered to employees’ legal spouses.

· I am proud to have authored the Early Treatment for HIV Act, which expands access to vital treatment options for low-income individuals living with HIV, and fought to fully fund the Ryan White CARE Act.

· I am proud that I hired a National Director of LGBT Outreach within a month of announcing my candidacy for President and to have openly gay and lesbian staffers serving at all levels of my campaign.

· I am proud to have a National LGBT Steering Committee of over 130 that includes openly LGBT elected officials, Board members and opinion leaders on issues ranging from transgender rights, to HIV/AIDS, to “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”.

· I am proud to have marched in Gay Pride parades as both First Lady and as Senator and to have spoken in front of so many LGBT audiences ranging from the Human Rights Campaign, Empire State Pride Agenda, the Hetrick Martin Institute, PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), GMHC (Gay Men’s Health Crisis), and the American Foundation for AIDS Research.

· I am proud to have fought Republican efforts to demonize and marginalize the LGBT community, and I will continue to do that as President.

We have so much work to do. When I am President, we will work together to make sure that all Americans in committed relationships have equal benefits and that nothing stands in the way of loving couples who want to adopt children in need. We're going to expand our federal hate crimes legislation and pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act and assure that they are both fully inclusive of sexual orientation and gender identity and expression. And finally, we will put an end to the failed policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Courage, honor, patriotism and sacrifice – the traits that define our men and women in uniform – have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

My father was a conservative Republican, who held very traditional views for much of his life. Yet in his last years, it was a gay couple who lived next door who provided much of the compassion and comfort he and my mother needed as he grew ill. And it was that same neighbor who held his hand as he died. If my father can move, America can move.

To each and every LGBT American, I say this. You have done so much to help this country understand your lives by simply being open and honest about who you are and living your lives with dignity. Thank you for your courage. It is time that we recognize your hard work. I know that this country is ready for changes in the law that reflect the evolution in our hearts.

America deserves a President who appeals to the best in each of us, not the worst; a President who values and respects all Americans and treats all Americans equally no matter who they are or who they love. I want to be that President. I want to be your President.

(Source: ourchart.com)