Christmas Day.

She mourns
she can't stand being alone
she talks to the walls
while i desperately want
to be on my own,
celebrate
on my own.
It's Christmas
and I'm ashamed of myself.

I don't want to dress up nicely while I'm not going nowhere
I don't want to sit on the couch all day, talking about people I don't know
I don't want to behave like they want me to
I don't want to agree with them and suppress my own opinion
I don't want to pretend to be happy while I'm feeling grumpy
I don't want to keep repeating that I love grandma, while I'm not even sure that I do

Why can't Christmas be
Sitting on the couch in my pyjamas watching tv
Eating a hundred different sorts of Christmas snacks
Singing Christmas carols on my own
Not talking when I don't feel like it
Sleeping in until 2 p.m.

I'm so fed up.
But I keep telling myself
1 more year...
1 more year...
1 more year...
1 more year...
1 more year...
1 more year...
1 more year.................

My prison.

Things are just not going well at home. Things are just not going well between me and mom. Yesterday I cycled home, crying. Again. I didn't know I had so many tears inside of me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I get advise from many different people but just nothing fits my situation. It feels like living in a fucking prison and I just can't get her to understanding me. She thinks she does but she doesn't know at all. She doesn't know half the person I am. I just live my life, she lives hers yet she keeps interfering with mine and I can't get her to realize she's doing the wrong thing. Yeah, I'm probably seeing things black and white, but this is what I feel like. We talked this over several times, we both said we'd try to change. I changed a tiny little bit, she didn't change at all and I still feel like a ten year old. I love her. I really do, but this is just ruining our relationship. I'm almost crying just writing this. I want to get out of this prison, yet I'll be stuck here for exactly one more year. And that totally sucks.

There's something to learn from everyone.

Yet again
my truth
gets confirmed
there's something to learn
from every person you meet
and i learned a lot about my life
last weekend.

Last Saturday I had a volleyball match with a team that is not my own, but that i still train and play a lot matches with. We played a good match and I had a great time. On the way back I had a most interesting conversation with one of the girls ofrom that team. I had had some words with my mom on the phone earlier that day and she told me how things had been at here home when she was my age and she gave me some advice. This was a great eye opener for me. Although I didn't agree with the way she delt with things, I surely understood the importance of her actions. And suddenly I found myself talking about my life and the relationship with my mother, like I had never talked to anyone else; let alone someone I barely know!

Seeing things from an other perspective
can sometimes be a great eye opener.