Donor, ......

I can't believe how fucking naive you are; you really don't know nothing about life, do you? Can your fucking brain actually work?

Scared as hell to go, I am

Sometimes songs (or part of songs) just really seem to...fit.

Baby this is my goodbye
You know I tried
I tried
And I don't know the reason why
But it feels right

If I told you now that
I've never felt this honestly alive
And I promised you that
There will come a time
When it's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

And I'm scared as hell to go
So please don't say you know
That I took the easy road
Cause I've got nowhere else to go

If I told you now that
I've never felt this honestly alive
And I promised you that
There will come a time
When it's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

I've got nothing left to give
Is that how you want to live your life?
Don't strive for something real
Ohhhh

If I told you now that
I've never felt this honestly alive
And I promised you that
There will come a time
When it's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright


-Sarah Bettens - It's alright (Shine, 2007)

My friend

was i too busy saving my ass
that i not saw you change
cuz suddenly it seems that
you and i haven't got that much to say

what made you bitter
please make me understand
i don't like your dark side very much
i want you to be my friend again

the one i could
laugh with
dance with
talk with
i love you still
but you have changed


did i not open my eyes
until it was far too late
was there anything i could've done
to ease your pain

whose feet crushed your heart
please make me understand
cuz most of all i want you
to be my friend again

the one i could
laugh with
dance with
talk with
i love you still
but you have changed

years have past
love never lasts
we're growing apart
is that okay to you
why won't you share
a piece of your heart
the part that i could

laugh with
dance with
talk with
i love you still
but you have changed

things are just not
the same anymore
i love you still but
my friend you have changed

here i go

A year has passed since she last laughed
she's letting life run by
comforted in her quiet place
she grabs herself an alibi

i built a wall around myself
too high to look over
5 feet thick
impossible to break through
yet i'd like you to try

she only likes responsibility
when it turns out good
she hates when things go wrong
she barely can stay put

every time they'd shout
i'd turn on my magic machine
of imagination to cover up
the image that i'd see
in my head

she thinks she needs to
change her hair and change her way
before she can change herself

i don't want to disappoint the people investing in me
but i want them to see
the me they know doesn't make me happy

sure yeah she says
fuck no she means
drawing parallels
at the bottom of the ocean
uh huh she says
oh no she means
what is she thinking when
she points her gun


when the thing she's been longing for
for the past few years
is finally offered
she wants to grab it with both hands
but she's too afraid to go
i'm so afraid to go
but here i go

hungry people are we

Why do we human beings have such a hunger for knowledge? Why do we want to know things just for the sake of knowing? Knowing itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, but why does it have to go as far as psychology textbooks saying "Animals (...) must not suffer unnecessary deprivation or pain, and must have their suffering balanced against the potential value of the knowledge gained". So it is okay to let animals suffer just for the sake of knowing?? Come on..FUCK THAT! Not knowing is a part of life. Learning is a part of life. Learning about life is a part of life and so is learning that not knowing can be quite nice too. Although that seems to be a lesson only few of us are willing to learn nowadays.

Another quotation from my textbook (Gray, "Psychology", 5th edition):
observing effects of deliberately placed brain lesions
Areas of damage (referred to as lesions) can be produced in the brains of rats or other laboratory animals by either electrical or chemical means. To produce a lesion electrically, a thin wire electrode, insulated everywhere except at its tip, is surgically inserted into the brain with the help of a stereotaxic instrument and enough current is sent through the electrode to destroy the neurons adjacent to its tip. To produce a lesion chemically, a tiny tube called a cannula is inserted into the brain, again using a stereotaxic instrument, and a small amount of a chemical in injected through the cannula, destroying neurons whose cell bodies are located near the cannula's tip.

What happened to the ethical dilemma's?? Is "their suffering balanced against the potential value of the knowledge gained"? Come on, we're literally fucking with animals heads, destroying parts of their brains! Is that okay in the name of science?
And then we are supposedly so evolved? Well, if you draw a parallel between evolved and morally fucked up then yeah, we're as evolved as can be.

Growing up in my family

It took me eightteen years
and my brother only fourteen
to learn that you're the only one
you have
there's no need to assimilate all the time
your natural defense mechanism
is the best protection you can have

Heerlen, January 12, 2007

The long awaited day of pure pleasure and joy arrived in the day of yesterday. Yesterday, Sarah Bettens performed in Heerlen, NL.
After having missed my bus, almost having missed my train and other public transport stress, I met up with two other fans on the train. Really nice people!
We arrived in Heerlen nicely on time: 5:45 pm. The others still had to pick up there tickets so we had about one and a half hour left before we had to go to the venue. First, we decided to try to find the venue. Of course that's never as easy as the description likes you to believe (walk towards the centre of the town and go to the right) but after 10 minutes we had found the Parkstad Theater. Off we were to find a restaurant. According to the internet, there were plenty nice little restaurants in the neighborhood, but we ended up at Tony's Wok to Go.
At 7:15 pm we back to the venue to pick up the tickets and we entered the hall at 7:40 pm. The room was really nice and small; very intimate. We found a nice spot for the three of us directly in front of the stage.

After what felt like ages ("hey, that's Gert...right? Is it? Is it him? Noo..it's not.....or is it?" Nobody dared to shout in case in case they were wrong, so Gert could just walk around the stage as he wished) the support act (Woodface!!!!!) entered the stage and played an incredible set for about 40 minutes. Seeing Sarah enjoying her brother's performance while she was standing next to the stage was just priceless.

After another 30 minutes, what seemed like ages again, Sarah finally entered the stage. She looked incredibly hot in her jeans, white shirt and Nike's. She opened the show with 'Put it out for Good', an Amy Ray cover. Sarah slightly messed up during the intro of that song for which she apologized and promised to make up. Until then, she'd already said more that she did during the whole Tivoli show a couple of weeks earlier. I can't recall the exact set list, but apart from 'Put it out for good' she also played 'Can't get out', 'Shine', 'Daddy's Gun', 'Just another day' ("dat was een droevig liefdesliedje, nu komt een vrolijk liefdesliedje") 'Rescue Me', 'Coasting Speed', 'Scream, 'Go', 'Not Insane', 'Stay', 'Fine', (hot hot hot sexy dance song) 'Come Over Here', 'Better than you' and 'Too many happy faces'. She did play two other K's Choice songs during the main set, but I can't recall which ones.

THEN, the one thing that could make this magical night even more magic happened. A K's Choice reunion! According to Sarah they were going to do something very special, the first K's Choice concert in Holland in four years!! The crowd was very excited and it was awesome to see everyone shaking their hands during 'Believe' and jumping up and down during 'Everything for Free' and 'Not an Addict'. I just knew I was being part of something magical at that time and I can't wait to see it back.

Sarah made up for her little mistake during 'Put it out for good', that's for sure!!

After the show I bought another one of her t-shirts and i bought Woodface's latest cd, Comet. As soon as Sarah arrived at the stand I asked her to sign Comet. I told her that I thought it was a bit awkward to ask her to sign a Woodface cd, but she was happy to do it and I think she was happy that I bought her brother's album. After having made a picture of Sarah and Marianne (one of the girls I was with) we left. It was 11:30 pm and I still had to travel a couple of hours. Fortunately, Marianne took the same train as I did so we could chat a bit more about the show and other interests (read: Melissa Etheridge) and after waiting for my other train for an hour in Eindhoven and another half an hour for my bus in Utrecht, I arrived home at 4 in the morning.

People have called me crazy for that, but it was so worth it.

Until Tomorrow

she stood alone in the crowd
wondering how the hell she'd get out
she screamed but there's no one to hear
no one who could analyze her fears

she went outside for a smoke
and told me she was never crazy about her bloke
or her friends at the party
do i look happy she asked me

and no i said you don't look happy
change your clothes and change your hair
you'll learn that life's not always fair
and there's a long way
until tomorrow

why she wonders did i do something wrong
did i lie to them for not telling about the songs
I put on when I'm sad
and when i want to clear my head

will you take me she asked me
I want to know what else is in the world for me
so i took her and showed her around
and told her to listen to a quiet sound

and no i said you don't look happy
change your clothes and change your hair
you'll learn that life's not always fair
and there's a long way
until tomorrow

do i look happy she asked me
so i took her and showed her around
and i told her to listen to a quiet sound

and no i said you don't look happy
change your clothes and change your hair
you'll learn that life's not always fair
and there's a long way
until tomorrow

yeah there's a long way
until tomorrow

The Dennis Kucinich interview

Thursday, January 3, 2008 / 11:33 AM


If you go by certain polls, Dennis Kucinich is a shoo-in for the presidency of the United States.

For instance, in Democracy for America's online poll of more than 150,000 potential voters, the congressman from Ohio took 32 percent of the vote -- more than Hillary Clinton (4 percent) and Barack Obama (14 percent) combined.

A staggering 77 percent of respondents in a nationwide poll by IndependentPrimary.com choose him as the best candidate for the job; and, according to a query posed by the Virginia Democratic Party this December, 30 percent of the democrats in that state would back him if the primary were held today.

Of course there are other polls -- notably, the one last November from Hunter College in New York, which found that 63 percent of gay, lesbian and bisexual likely voters will cast their ballots for Clinton in the primaries, followed by 22 percent for Obama and 7 percent for John Edwards. Interestingly, when asked to rank the gay rights most important to them, half of the respondents said, "legalizing gay marriage" -- not a strong point for these candidates.

Let's review: Of the seven Democratic contenders, only former Alaska senator Mike Gravel and Kucinich support gay marriage. The rest are content with federally recognized civil unions or domestic partnerships.

On other important gay issues, Kucinich, like his competitors, supports a trans-inclusive employment nondiscrimination act (ENDA), a federal hate crimes law protecting sexual orientation and gender identity, the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell," access to survivor benefits, equal tax treatment for same-sex couples, unfettered gay adoption and funding for HIV/AIDS prevention and treatment.

But let's say you're like the 79 percent of gays in the Hunter poll who don't consider gay rights the most important issue affecting your vote. In that case, it might be important to note that Kucinich is the only Democratic candidate to oppose the Iraq war from the outset, when it was political suicide to do so.

He also supports not-for-profit universal health care, withdrawing from the North American Free Trade Area (NAFTA) and World Trade Organization (WTO) until all countries agree to the same environmental and human rights standards, and raising the minimum wage. He's pro-choice and pro-medical marijuana, and he introduced impeachment proceedings against Vice President Dick Cheney.

In short, he's the candidate we've been asking for. So why aren't you voting for Dennis Kucinich?

We caught up with the candidate in New Hampshire on the eve of the Iowa primaries to ask him what he thought about being the very dark horse in the race for the Democratic nomination.

How intimidating is it to be the long shot in the run for the Democratic nomination?

Not at all. People in the LGBT community understand what it's like to go against the odds. They've been doing that their whole lives. And there are a lot of Americans that face long odds every day as to whether they'll have a job, health insurance, education, housing. So I understand what it's like to be a long shot. But long shots do win, and they win when people stand up for what they believe in.

Like, say, marriage equality.

If the LGBT community doesn't stand for marriage equality and supports a candidate without an established record of supporting it early and consistently, then how can you ever hope to win? If you don't vote your heart, your heart never wins.

Anyone who saw the Logo Forum learned a lot about the different candidates. They can still go to the website because it's still up. They can see how people responded in the moment to the question and see whose heart is open and whose isn't. Hillary Clinton is essentially saying, "It's not time yet." And Senator Edwards is having quite a bit of difficulty with it. Why? What's that about?

This issue becomes not only a question of where we are on the issue but where we stand with ourselves -- as inevitably any issue that concerns the LGBT community does. Anyone who would have to wring their hands over the issue of marriage equality doesn't get it.

To me it's a very simple question of equal protection of the law. It's a constitutional issue, and as president of the United States, I'm going to make sure that people are not denied equal protection of the law for any reason, including sexual orientation.

What do you say to gays who think you're unelectable and therefore a wasted vote?

People have to know that they can win. It's not about what candidate wins. Will LGBT people be winners in this election? The only way you can win is to have the courage to vote for what you want. A courageous vote is the only vote worth casting. As a community of people with courage, the LGBT community has been able to demonstrate a great deal of courage and authenticity. So why would politics represent something different than what our lives represent?

I'm not disappointed what the people in the community do. It's their right to choose whomever they want. But I think there needs to be a pretty open and candid discussion about how you get to where you want to go if the people you're traveling with don't want what it is you want.

If you want marriage equality and you vote for someone who isn't for marriage equality, then you can't complain later on that you don't have marriage equality. If you want marriage equality, then support someone who stands for it -- because that demonstrates integrity. It's really simple. You want health care, and you vote for a candidate who's in favor of propagating a for-profit system? Then you can't afford health care.

You want to end the war in Iraq, and you vote for someone who decides to keep the troops there until 2013 or longer? And the next year you say, "Gee, I wish we were out of Iraq." You know what? You voted for that candidate. You have to take responsibility for the consequences of your vote. This is a moment when people have to take responsibility not just for their decision but the consequences of that decision.

What responsibility do the candidates have?

We are in a period right now when candidates are unlikely to take responsibility for the consequences of their decision. We may say we're wrong, but there's no consequence for that decision. John Edwards can vote for the war. He can say he was wrong. But where is the consequence? And it doesn't show any change in judgment when he says, of Iran, "All options are on the table."

The most important decision anybody running for president would have to make is whether to send young men and women to battle, to put their lives in danger. If you're wrong, how do you say you're sorry to the parents of a dead soldier? How do you say you're sorry to the millions of innocent Iraqis who have lost their lives to a war based on lies? How do you say you're sorry to taxpayers whose government borrowed money from China to finance this war in Iraq?

If elections are only about voting for the winner, we're going to have a Republican, because the Democrats aren't establishing a clear enough difference between who we are and who they are.

Don't Democrats these days essentially think it's safer to play the center line?

Playing it safe means forgoing marriage equality. That's accommodating a system that's ready to deny people fundamental human rights. To me, the minute you stop fighting for your rights is the minute you start losing your rights. That's what's happening in America today. The wiretapping, the eavesdropping, the government going into people's health records and financial records. We've stopped fighting for our rights. The peace movement has basically given up.

So what I represent is courage to stand up for what I believe in and to demonstrate to other people that it's possible to stand up for what they believe in. That's the way to win. Victory isn't measured by what happens on a certain day in New Hampshire or Iowa, Nevada or Michigan or South Carolina. Victory is determined by one's own integrity expressed every moment. The minute we stop doing that, we become something the system describes.

But why should it take courage to vote for what you've been asking for?

I think there's a winner's psychology, which the mass media propels, that promotes a false consensus. And actually it often disenfranchises people, because people keep voting against their own interests.

The one great gift the LGBT community has given to the world is personal authenticity, integrity and the courage to be who you are in an open and uncompromised way. There's real power there. You're going to give that up to vote for someone because they might win and they don't stand for marriage equality? To me, that's antithetical to the entire movement and counterproductive to the point of being worrisome.

This is the one community that should be strong enough. If you make concessions on the issue of marriage equality, the possibility of it happening is going to diminish. The reason any gains have been made is because people were willing to go out on a limb. And you know what? That's where the fruit is -- out on the limb.

Anyone who has watched the final minutes of a football game only has to look at quarterback's face to realize if he stops believing he can win, the game is lost. Is there a point when you give up the game?

That's a good analogy. OK, let's say it gets to be fourth down with 99 yards to go. I'm not going to punt.

So you're not getting out.

You got it. (Rachel Dowd, The Advocate)

Recollections of my youth

I am going to do something bald. I am going to write about something I've never before written about. I am going to blog about (at fucking 9 am on a Saturday morning that is! *rolls eyes*) about my relationship with my father.

I think calling them by name was some sort of protection gear. 'Mommy' and 'daddy' made me feel way too vulnerable, so it became R and P. It's funny how life sometimes tries to protect you from things that aren't good for you without you even noticing it. Ever tried eating a plant as a kid? It probably tasted really bitter and gross and you most likely spat it out immediately. That's life, that's your body protecting you from harm. The bitter taste is telling you to not eat that plant, it's poisenous and not good for survival. Ha, ain't evolution grand?
Well, same thing was the first name calling. I probably wouldn't have survived otherwise. Nobody likes to get hurt time after time, right? So you build some sort of invisible wall around you that they can't get through- or so you think. And for a while it may work, but only until you grow older you realize the damage done and you feel the pain you were supposed to feel years ago.
I remember that I never wanted to take my friends home to play when I was 9 or 10. I always wanted to go to their home and I always hoped their father wasn't home. I literally remember thinking "please, let him be still at work" and I felt very uncomfortable when the opposite was proven. Looking back, if that was not a sign of being fucked up I don't know what else it was.

I recall a school party I helped organizing for the seven graders when I was 15. I felt proud and I thought it was very cool that I, among others, was allowed to sit in the staff room drinking a beer with my teachers. I really felt good, cuz I got some recognision and i felt treated like an (almost) adult.
My 'dad' or donor, whatever D you prefer, was gonna pick me up from the party and accompany me on my way home. Completely not aware of the humiliation i would feel, he just entered the staff room at 10:50 pm and said he came to collect me. I was pretty pissed off at him and on the way home I asked him, not in the most polite way, why he had to come in and why he couldnt just have waited outside, as my mum and I had agreed he would pick me up at 11. He got mad and so did I. I cycled an other direction, knowing that that meant I would cycle alone for about two minutes and then we'd be on the same road again. Well, we met again after two minutes. D was furious and he threatened to drag me home by my hair next time. I burst into tears and quietly I told him I'd never see him as my dad ever again. And I didn't. As soon as we got home I ran upstairs to my room and went to bed, my clothes still on and crying, crying.


I must have been 7 or 8, maybe 9. It was a Sunday morning and we went off to visit my grandparents, like we did every Sunday until their death. It must have been raining because we went by car- normally we'd go by bike. My mom must have said somethng to him cuz all at a sudden he got infuriated and the car oscillitated from the left of the street to the right and back again. That was the first moment I really got scared that he might actually harm me physically one day. He never did, but he'd always threaten to do so. I remember his heavy breathing and his big venomous eyes and his quickly getting out the chair and raising his arm indicating he was angry because I or my brother had done something wrong. The only thing that would help keeping him from not actually hitting us was screaming loudly so my mom would come done and tell him to stop.
And no, I haven't gotten over it yet, I am certainly not ready to forgive, yet, as I feel the fear climb up my spine as I am writing this.


Honestly, I can not recall ever having had a normal conversation with him. Because of the scars he made in my soul I absolutely never wanted to have a normal conversation with him, I didn't want to share anything with or be dependent of the man who fucked with my head like that. I'd rather bring my bike to the cycle mender and pay a shitload of money than having to ask my father to do something for me. I just couldn't get the words off my lips. So the last couple of years I only talked to him when absolutely necessary and I would never say one word more than necessary.

Apparently he was very blind. He never ever asked me anything at all. He doesn't know more about me, his own flesh and blood (how much I hate that that's what I am)than an average somebody.
And maybe that's alright. It sure helped the wall around me from cracking.

to be out or not to be out; that's the question

And I don't want the guilty looks when someone makes a gay joke. And I don't want people to glare at me whenever the subject is brought up. And I don't want people to be reserved when someone brings up the subject. That makes me feel quite uncomfortable you know. I can laugh about gay jokes too..

Tired

Life is easy when you fake it
Right until you realize
Your happiness is unrelated
To anything you have inside

And it doesn’t feel right
And I’m mostly very tired

-K's Choice - Tired

Blog therapy part 1

Yesterday night i had five more minutes or so before I was supposed to meet a friend, so I sat down on the couch and turned a show called "Hoogtepunten van Vrienden van Amstel Live". I remember thinking about how awesome it would be if Sarah's performance would air right that moment. Barely ten seconds later, there she is. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears; that was so cool!! I immediately sat down on the couch again and decided that my friend would have had to wait a couple more minutes. Sarah's duet with Thé Lau was real nice, but Sarah performing Not an Addict on her own, at the end of song joined by Brainpower, just blew my mind. And that particular moment I just had to turn on the volume, sing along as loud as I could and I felt happy. I felt happy, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to laugh until the morning came. Well, I didn't really do that, but that warm feeling on my inside stayed and still accompanies me while I am writing this blog.

Yeah, sigh...that's some nice stuff. Such a little thing completely making my day. I was sitting on the couch at my friend's house, still completely overwhelmed and it felt like I finally was myself around others; a feeling I haven't had since I finished primary school.
Take for example my supposedly very good friends I, L and S. I've known them for about ten years and we grew close in the past two years. I love them, God bless their hearts, but it becomes increasingly difficult for me just being around them. In every thing I say, in every gesture I make I feel like I'm betraying them and myself. I hate to go out and dance; I'd rather go to the pub all night. So I decide not to join them. I don't regret that decision yet I'm not completely fine with it either. I know that if I would have gone the minute I entered the club I would have wanted to leave again. I don't like the music, I don't like the people and I hate the dancing. And no company of friends can make up for that, simply because they don't know about that. On the other hand, I hate the fact that I'm constantly letting people down. I know they don't understand, I don't fully understand it myself either. And in the end, we'll just grow farther and farther away from each other, until I have no one left to call my frend. Oddly enough, that might be what I want right now. It's hard enough figuring out who you are without having to deal with the constant reminder that the people surrounding you are trying to figure that out about you as well. But on the long run, I might need them and they might need me. Or maybe they won't. That's impossible to say right now but I don't have the guts to simply walk down my own road; it's so much safer to walk down the public road. Frankly, I just want to go to a desert island and get things straight before I go mad. Truth is, I just don't have that luxury, nor the time or money to do such a thing. I'll just have to make shift with what I have.
But it's so hard. And I know that no one ever said life would be easy, but I was kind of surprised about the head spinning stuff I have to deal with. Sometimes I'm scared the keeping inside will drive me insane.