Lighting the way.

I have been in an emotional rollercoaster for the past months now.
One moment I'm filled with all these wonderful feelings of togetherness and love
while the next I want to run away as fast as I can.
Crazy shit.
For the first time in my life I honestly don't know what to do
or to feel.
Do I love her? I definitely do.
Am I in love with her? I doubt it. Honestly, I doubt I have ever been.
But I wanted it so much.
I wanted things to work.
I wanted to be the light guiding her the way.
I guess I turned out to be that light,
or so I get told anyway,
but it's not the strong light reflecting from a light bulb.
The weak light shining from a pocket torch with low battery
at the most.
And her way?
She keeps going left
where I am shining to the right.
I try to flash
so she can see
but with her headphones on
and sunglasses on her face
she is too self absorbed to see it
so without hesitation
she takes to the left.

The left path is tainted with ghosts from the past
It's dark with no directions
Not clear where it leads
and not many people left to tell about it's final destination
only ones willing to find out with her.

I'm not used to walking on such dark and unpaved roads
and they scare me.

The path on the right, on the other hand,
is filled with bright, sunny light.
It might not be paved in full,
but hey, that's still to come.
It's surrounded with grass
and signs saying where to go.
People around me have walked that walk
and came back with beautiful stories.
Naive yes, sometimes, but that's fine.
I have the sun shining on my face.

The left path is so unappealing to me.
I will not have my children walk that walk.
I will not wear her name
while constantly having to look over my shoulder.
I. just. can't.

But then again,
my light just might keep her near the kerb, safe.
Doesn't that make it my moral obligation
to follow that road?
For her sake?
I don't want her to get hurt by a car, you know
walking alone in the middle of the road.

If that's not hard enough already
someone else is pulling my arm
asking me to walk the nice sunny path with her.
I want to, I desperately want to.
That's the life I envisioned for myself.
But do I have to leave her there
lying in the middle of the road
waiting for a truck to hit her?
That's too much to ask;
I will never forgive myself if something like that happens.

So I guess I'll just wait around
for her own light to start shining
So she can steer away from the dark road,
into the light.
Will that ever happen? I don't know.
I just hope she'll find the batteries soon.