Big ass puzzle

Slowly
One by one
the pieces are falling
together.

This big ass puzzle
called "My Life"
has an uncountable amount
of pieces
(or that's at least
what the box said)
and it's the most difficult
yet most interesting puzzle
that exists.

One by one
the pieces fall together
and some parts
of the total image
are beginning to make sense.


I never believed
someone could be turned
gay or straight
it's in you
you're born this way.
But I do believe
there are factors
which strengthen
those feelings.

My youth
My family
They are/have been
definitely a big influence
on my sexuality
I just came to realize.

I always knew
I was "The Different"
but it wasn't until
a couple of months ago
that I realized why
I'm more comforted
dating cute chicks
than those cute guys
I use to hang around with.

My dad
or rather
my sperm donor
as he's more that
than my actual father.
I never connected with him
Never loved him
or felt loved by him.
The only emotions
he could/can evoke
are anger
and fear.
annoyance mostly too.
Fear.
i'm afraid of him.
i'm fucking afraid of my own dad.
He doesn't love me
He doesn't love my mum.
How can they possibly expect me
to love
while I have never seen that kind of love
or felt that kind of love
that bonds one soul with another?

Now the haze over
the image in the puzzle
fades away
now i know
who i am
and why i am this way

no wonder
i'm afraid to love
or just don't know
how to.
no wonder
i'm afraid to commit.

Teachings

I can only
say it again
and again
but i'll keep repeating it
to fulfill my prophecy

There's a lesson
in everything
for everyone
Be open for it
find the lesson
learn it
become whole.

Just a lie

I'm still working
on finding out
what dreams mean
and what they
really are for.


Two nights before last
I had this crazy ass dream
It just seemed so real
When I woke up
for a moment I thought
it had really happened
and it felt really cool
until I realized
it had only been a dream.

Anyhoo

I was hanging out
with my teammates
having lotsa fun
then
one of my friends
my coach
says something about
him and his friend
(my other coach)
thinking that
I'm a lesbian.
I didn't confirm it
nor did I deny it
None of that
they wanted me to btw
It was just
them saying
what they thought.
No answers wanted
Just matter of factly
stating their thought.

There my dream ended
and I remember thinking
in my dream
"hm I should write a blog about this".
(lmao)
it felt strange
but yet very good
as this meant
(even though it was only in a dream)
that I was showing
some of my real me -even though it was subconscious-

it made me realize
my whole life
might as well be
much more than
Just a Lie.

Bumps in the road

Rushing down the streets
To work, school, the gym, whatever
everything just flashes by
we do not take the time to see.
To see how beautiful our world is
How beautiful we are
All we see is the time ticking by
and way too fast, we think by ourselves.

Maybe
if we started opening our eyes
and have a look around us
instead of hurrying
from one place to an other
we'd see what we have been missing for so long
We'd see how beautiful our world
and our lifes are
if we'd only want to see it.

But no
we just keep on running around
with our eyes closed
not caring a single bit
about everything that's happening around us.
Until we bang into this wall
Hey that's what happens when you
run around with your
eyes closed
Sometimes it's just a small bump
and we keep on running
like we did before
ignorant of the sign
the universe just sent us.
Other times it's a big bump
and we feel sorry for ourselves
while we should feel honoured
for been handed the opportunity
to see life
and love
in a different perspective.

It's strange though
that it takes us
several bumps
to open up our eyes
and see what life's
really about.

Ticking time

The clock keeps on ticking
Time's moving fast
Sometimes a moment seems to last forever
Other times I desperately
want the moment to last

The clock keeps on ticking
But it goes too slow for me
I can't wait for the time
When I can finally be me

The clock keeps on ticking
No matter what time will pass
Whether I want it or not
It's always a minute more not once a minute less

The clock keeps on ticking
And it always will
So I think it's time to start preparing
for paying my built up through the years bills

Bills for wishing time to hell
Bills for saying I've had enough of life
Bills for this negativity
I'll have to pay multiplied by five

Secretly I'm hoping
that time for once will bolt
and that the time will finally arrive
in which my life
my goal
and my destination

will be unfold

Peace of mind

All I want
is peace of mind.
Peace of mind
in knowing
i'll be fine.

Peace of mind
in knowing
i'm living my truth

Peace of mind
in knowing
i'm where i am supposed to be

Peace of mind
in knowing
i'm living
according to
my spirituality

Peace of mind
in knowing
that I've got the power
to make a change

Peace of mind
in knowing
I can love
and be loved
in return


All I want
is peace of mind.

It's in me.

I've got the power.

All I really want

All I want
is love
and being loved
in return

All I want
is respect
and being understood

All I want
is acceptance
and being loved
for who I am
not who you want me
to be

I don't get this
from you
so I want
out of this relationship
I don't want to lose you
don't get me wrong
but i want some space
freedom
i want to change
the big influence
you have on my life
and reduce it
to zero.
I want to be in charge
of my own life.

That's all I want.
All I really want.

M

Reading about you
is fascinating
The more I learn about you
The more I learn about myself
Many resemblances
between you and me
I have found

Fascinating

Keep on rocking

rattling ramblings

Our family went to the beach today. I went along as this will probably be the last summer I'll have the chance to spend this much time with as family as next summer I'll prolly be busy with preparing for my fresh man year at college, getting my driver's licence, and movig out. Plus, I just like going to the beach and I have been busy for hours finding a new bikini yesterday so I just had to got to the beach, no matter what.
Anyway, we went. We'd go by car to Noordwijk, a place approx an hour or so away from here. Vainly, I hoped my mum and dad wouldn't argue about the route we'd had to take, as that's always the case and it always ends up in the two of them fighting. I don't like it when my dad is angry/aggresive when he's driving our car. I have not forgotten that little incident when I must have been 9 or so. My dad got angry with my mum when he was behind the wheel and the next moment we were swinging from the left to the right of the road. Even though it was on a Sunday morning on a lonely road, I didn't like him and got scared of him. As he grew older, his aggresive behaviour became less, but still I don't like him much and I don't like being in vulnerable situations with him, like when we're driving on the highway and he and my mum are in a fight.

So, we went to the beach. As my dad couldn't find the right way and my mum and he ended up arguing, I just put my music louder and louder to not hear them. "Everybody has to fight to be free". Oh yeah I'll have to fight to get out of those situations and finally get alive. And I will.

After 2 hours, we finally found an other beach, this time in Wassenaar. Wassenaar is a very rich town with the richest people in the country living there. Go figure, me and my fam between all these fancy peeps. But it wasn't like that at all. In fact, there we're not so many local people, most of the people were Germans.
We found a place and we lay down. Then we had a great laugh because my brother had some toilet paper sticking out of his pants. lmao i felt sorry for the boy. We laughed and I put on my music.
After a while my mum asked if she could listen to it as well. "Sure" I said and I let her hear my music. As "Christmas in America" came on, we had a conversation about Melissa, my mum asking how she was doing after the cancer. This was nice, but awkward as well, as I don't like talking about M with my mum that much. You know, the gay part. *rolls eyes* Not that she disapproves of it, not at all, but because she might find out her own daughter is gay too. Not ready for that yet.
Anyway, we had fun and I'm sure from the outside we looked like a happy carefree family. And we were, those coupla hours.

On our way back suddenly, I came to the realization how awkward my day had been. It had started with me being incredibly annoyed by my fam, almost crying in the back of our car, wanting nothing more than running away from them, as hard as I could and as far away as possible. The next moment we looked like a happy lil family.
Awkward how twisted life can be.

Note: this might all sound very dramatic, but I'm sure it's not all that bad. My fam loves me and I guess I love them too. Nothing really serious has happened in my life, I have never been abused and I am grateful for that. Many others have not been as fortunate as I was.
This is just how things feel like for me and if it looks like I've taken things out of perspective and that I'm overreacting, I probably am.

Vicious circle

Suddenly
it became so obvious
that
life is just a vicious circle.

Brandi Carlile- Follow

Sometimes you just come across the right words
at the right time.


BRANDI CARLILE
Follow
(T. Hanseroth and B. Carlile)

Follow your heart and see where it might take you
Don't let the world outside there break you
They know not who you are inside
They have never felt your hell
Don't ever let them crack...

Hold out I know you feel it getting cold out
Without the blanket for your soul now
Before you know it you'll be frozen
You have to see this through
There's no one here but you

CHORUS
I feel the rain coming down
It reminds me of who I used to be
But now that's nothing more
Then a memory

Don't go, to sleep and cry because tomorrow
If you let it it will swallow
You up and none of this will matter
Will matter anymore

CHORUS
I feel the rain coming down
It reminds me of who I used to be
But now that's nothing more
Than a memory

CHORUS
I feel the rain coming down
It reminds me of who I used to be
But now that's nothing more
Than a memory

Follow your heart and see where it might take you
Don't let the world outside there break you
They know not who you are inside
They have never felt your hell
Don't ever let them crack...
Your shell...

Sometimes

Sometimes
There are just no words
to describe
how you feel
or what you think

Sometimes
all you can do
is show your respect
and listen

Sometimes
you feel so powerless
and all you can do
is observing in silence
accept there's nothing you can do

Sometimes
those silences
those understanding looks
those don't-worry-it's-okay-touches
of your hand
are worth
more
than a 1,000 words
can express.

16 months away

I know
I will be able
to leave this all behind
To run away
To finally be alive.
I will.

My hope
is all I got.


I know I will
get out.

My life

is only
16 months away.

Fuck it.

You don't see
the chain reaction
you are causing
Unwillingly
you hurt others
who, in their place,
unwillingly
hurt someone else's feelings
and this goes on
and on
like a vicious circle.
The unintended
brutality
close mindedness
argh.
and the worst thing is
there's nothing i can do.

sometimes
the only thing to say
is "Fuck it."

Doing time

Doing time
That's what it feels like
This year, year and a half
I'll still be spending here
sure feel like like
doing time.

i guess it's not just your fault
I'm as guilty as you
But changing
and telling you
how i really feel like
doesn't work
and it hurts your feelings

on the inside
i feel like exploding
I want to scream
Scream all the annoyance
and irritations away
And I cry
It so sucks
when you want to fight
so badly
but there's nothing you can do
because

you're powerless.

Exactly where I'm meant to be

For a moment
I had given up believing
Believing that
everything happens for a reason
Believing that
something better 's waiting around the corner
I was just so sure
that my philosophy
had left me alone

But now I'm looking back
I cannot believe
how stupid I was
to just abandom my philosophy
my life
Looking back
I came to the conclusion
I'm exactly where I'm meant to be