I can't.

I just cannot stand it anymore
Yuck
I know I keep
hammering on about it
But it just
doesn't seem to change
whatever i say or do

I want to shout
my lungs out
but I can't.
I want to run
Run far away from this
Leave everything
far behind
Run until
my legs can't carry
me no more
never look back.

It drives me crazy
I'd give everything
To change this piece of my life
No one seems to understand
no one seems to care
I've tried to find the lesson in all this
over and over again
I understand the lesson
I know in a coupla years
I will and can make a change

But now
I feel mentally abused
Someone's fucking up my mind
I want to be that change
in my life
I want to be it now.
I can't.

Special.

Closer to you than that
I might never come
We didn't speak that much
But more than I could
ever imagine
Just some casual remarks
Both
hanging at the bar
God
you were cute

I don't know much about you
But I know
that I want to hold you
be with you
love you
like nobody ever did before
You've been on my mind
for quite a while
never thought i'd get
this close to you tho

You were so close
and yet so far away
I never expected you
to recognize me
know my name
talk to me

We didn't do anything special
Just talked about that match
had a drink
along with your teammates
I never realized
doing something that
ordinary
could be so
special.

They are there.

They were never there
You were the only one
You were different
Strange

You knew there were people
like you
Just nowhere close
You needed your kind of people
around
and you'd see them
all over the place
except for anywhere
close
tangible

when you look back
you realized
they were there
they were the ones
you suspected
least
of being like you
being different
like you
funny
you only realize this
years later
while that thought:
knowing they were there
you needed the most
back then.

Disappointments, time and time again

People keep disappointing me
time and time again
Not sure how to deal
with the release of
this negative energy
circling through my body
wanting to slam
something
someone
but you can't
you're not supposed to do so
so you hurt yourself
phisically
mentally
both

the scratches are still there
they remind me
of all the time
i had to free this negative
energy
inside my body
by hurting
my outside.

it's nothing serious
i can't do without
but that pain
feels good
it makes me feel alive
and it frees me
from this negative energy
caused
by disappointments
in others
time and time again.

Something better is waiting 'round the corner

Something better
is waiting 'round the corner
People told me that
more than once
I told that to others
more than once

I strongly believed that
it helped me through a lot
Although I never really witnessed
that "better" coming round the corner
straight towards me

I applied for this job
several weeks a go
I told myself that was all
I ever wanted
in a job
it was perfect
and I desperately
wanted it

I was turned down
and a part of my world
collapsed for a couple hours
a day perhaps
until I started realizing

Why still pity what has
already happened
I can get irate with them
creating negative energy
on my side
nothing will happen

I can change my point of view
Too bad but something better
is waiting round the corner

Today I got a letter in the mail
They got this great job for me
They asked me as a trainer
of a group 12 year old
volleyball players

I was surprised
Thankful
I wanted this perhaps even more
than the other job!
No application forms to be filled in
No job interview
If I want the job
I'll get it.

Funny
cuz if i had gotten
the other job
i wouldn't be able
to take this one

So yes
I do believe
now more than ever
that
always
something better is waiting 'round the corner.

Stuck

I need to get out
Out of this stupid rythm
Everyday
wake up
at the same time
everyday
go to bed
at the same time
every sunday
no matter what
11:20 we leave home
visit grandma
and 12:50 we'd be back home

i'm tired of this rythm
i want to do things spontaneous
why not go there and there
like, right now?
i don't want to be stuck in this rythm
not able getting out of it

i wanna get rid of those toxic events
I wanna get rid of those toxic people
in my life
i want to get
out
of
here.

Jack-in-the-box

Insecure.
Yup
That's me.

Yes.
Yes
I am.

I may look
tough
from the outside
But actually
I am
a softy
from the inside

I am insecure
about who i am
about who i love
about the way I look
about the way
others think of me

I know I should not
give a damn
so I pretend I don't
But if you manage
to break through this facade
I'm hiding behind
you'll see
I'm not the way
you expected me to be
are you disappointed?
are you disappointed in me
not being who you thought
i was?
are you disappointed
you didn't know me
as well as you thought you did?

i know
i am
a jack-in-the-box.

When you lose someone

When you lose someone
It seems the time's standing still
You cannot comprehend
Questions come to mind
How?
When?
Why?
You don't know what to do
Or what to say
Words can't heal the wounds
They can only make the pain a little less
While the wounds are healing

Thoughts may cross your mind
Was it..?
Could it have been..?
my fault?

NO.
Remember when someone dies
Takes his life
It's not your fault
You did what you had to do
What you thought was right.

He didn't see a way out
He thought he was better off
someplace else
in an other dimension

And maybe he is.
He has come to peace with himself.

You don't have to forget him.
Not at all.
But come to peace with it.
Time can't heal the wounds
But it can soothen the pain.
Never think it was your fault.
Don't feel guilty.

Let time make your pain fade away
Remember him
The way he was
The person you loved so much
Come to peace
and try to get your life back together.

Nobody will blame you
when you show your emotions.
Don't be afraid
to show your emotions.
It is normal
to show your emotions
when you lose someone.

Open your eyes

Not being accepted
the way I am
treated differently
because I am a girl
a teenage girl

Yes I'm still a girl
Yes I make mistakes
and although the time
went by fast
I developed fast as well
I'm not the same girl
I was 5 years ago
anymore

So don't treat me like one
Please stop being so denigrating
Please
Can't you see it hurts?
No you don't
You don't see anything
You're so different
I want to accept you
the way you are
But you make it hard
for me to do so

I've never really liked you
Couldn't care less if you left
Wanted you to leave at many
many occasions

You could act violent
I was scared of you
Scared of my own dad

I never loved you
But I do care
If I didn't care at all about you
I couldn't care less
about the way you treated me

I do care
and I'm begging you to change
I know it comes out of habit
The way you were being raised too
But just because you are familiar with it
Because you came out okay
Doesn't mean it is the right way
Sometimes the right way
is to open your eyes
Search for something new
you're not familiar with yet
but you can come familiar with

Open you eyes
Recognize me
Imagine
you being me
Think
Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes
you cannot erase them
but you can prevent yourself
from making the same mistakes over
and over again

Open your eyes
Lift your head
You can't see
when you walk
with your head down
in the dark
eyes closed.

I'm learning to live
Living to learn
Learning to speak true
True love is needed
Needed in everyone's life
Life lifts us up where we belong
Belongings are not important
Important is who we are
Are we who we want to be
Be social funny caring
Caring for people
People who need you
You learn them to live
And you learn them
they live to learn.

I just want to say

I just want to say I'm sorry
Sorry for the times I disappointed you
By not being the me
you wanted me to be

I just want to say I'm sorry
Sorry for the times I came home late
drank your booze
smoked your cigarettes

I just want to say I'm sorry
Sorry for the lies
Sorry for the times
I tried to be
who I thought
you wanted me to be

But clearly I'm no good actress
I should stick to what I'm good at
being who I am
Not wearing some kind of mask

I just want to say I'm sorry
for..everything I ever did
to disappoint you
how small it may have been
You may have forgotten about it a long time ago
But still
I'm sorry

I just want to say I'm sorry
For everything I'll ever do
to disappoint you
I'll just say it in advance

I'm sorry.

Living to learn

I'm living to learn
Learning to live
If we're open
to learning new lessons
we enrichen our life
so much
we learn so many lessons
and we learn to live
life to the fullest
i feel honoured
i've been given the gift
to be patient
to listen
to learn
to look at the positive side of things
i feel honoured
to be given the gift
to learn.

Suffocating life

The water level is rising
The rain keeps falling
The little girl can barely
stand normally
cheek up
high in the sky
trying not to drown
meanwhile
crying
for her mommy
for anyone
to stop the rain
to safe her
she doesn't like this!
she wants to sit home
safe
in front of the warm fireplace
together with the people
she loves the most

she cries out
HELP ME
but nobody does
Everyone is concerned
about their own problems
They are drowning too
They want their lifes saved
So they don't listen to the cries
of the little girl

The girl keeps screaming
Firmly holding on
To one of the few boards left
HELP ME
SAFE ME
SOMEBODY
ANYBODY?

But nobody listens
Everyone's fighting for their own

The water keeps rising
The rain keeps falling
The little girl
can barely hold on
While the water fills
her mouth
smuthering
her cries
slowly
the little girls chokes
she fights to get away
but she can't

slowly she dies
then her hands slowly let go
her body floats away
leaving the board
for someone else
to hold on to.

Beth Hart Tivoli Nov 4

OMG. Beth was so fucking amazing!
Her energy was neverending and her voice was great! her openingact was Gus Black, a great singer, but after he played for almost 45 minutes i kinda wished him to go away and let Beth come up on stage..and so she did! She started off with a song dedicated to her Husband Scott called Go wash your stinky feet you motherfucker and she played By her, Delicious Surprise, Broken & Ugly (and she envited a coupla people to sing it with her on stage!), Leave the Light on, Lift me up, LA Song, Sky full of clover, Favourite things, Hiding under water, Hold me through the night (not completely in that order tho) and a couple of songs I didn't know (I was kinda surprised by that, I thought I knew all her songs!)

That voice omg it was so good! I literally felt it cutting through my skin going straight to my soul really it was such a great experience!
After 1,5 hours the show was over and man it seemed like only 10 fucking minutes or so! Damn I can't wait to the next time I'll see her live altho she said that would probably take quite some time.. I hope you guys get to see her live as well some time! That energy coming from here..wow

Lessons in life.

Everybody knows the feeling
when you have to prove yourself
one on one or in front of a big crowd
showing you're worthy
why they should pick you
instead of all those others

you get nervous
insecure
but should they pick me?
am i worthy?
suddenly your self confidence
can't be found nowhere
seems you have lost it damnit
right now you need it the most

it happens in tons of situations
whether you're applying for a job
or meeting up some new people

you can't make a first impression twice
In those first coupla minutes
you better show them
what ya got

Sometimes
everything goes well
They are enthiousiastic about you
They want you
They have exactly the same interests
as you do
and you're happy

Nothing's wrong

Other times
everything goes a little bad
They don't want you
Just invited you
To pretend they give everyone
a fair chance
Or they think you're strange
and don't fit into their group

Then life sucks
for a moment
and you're sure
all the people you absolutely didn't want to
get the job, get the friends
who you think are less capable
get the job, get the friends

then you have to move on
which is easier said than done

But those things happen for a reason
Life wants you to learn a lesson out of it
So find that lesson
Learn it
And you'll get back

Something way more valuable
than you were ever gonna find

when you did get the job
when you did get the friends.

Tonight's the night

Tonight's the night
Well actually it's not
But
Tomorrow night's the night
just didn't seem to sound right

So I'll stick with tonight
Just think a day ahead

Tonight's the night
I'm going to my very first
Beth Hart concert!!!!!

Metamorphosis

Love can make you blind
Love can make you change

I'm curious
Were you this way all along
was I just too blind to see
Or did you really change
From someone cute, sweet, loving
to someone arrogant, asocial, showing off

My friends say you were all along
But I was close to you
Experienced you when you were alone

I usually don't carry hatret in my heart
I don't want to
But every time I see you
I deteste you even more
I don't want to
I just want to forget you

But everytime my hatret seems to fade away
Boom, it's back, you did something
I could not possibly understand

Maybe it helps
to get over it
to know

Were you this way all along
Or do you have the good side still
But you just forget to show it

I don't know
Do I want to know
Does it make a difference

Still I just want to know
Was I too blind
or did you undergo some

metamorphosis?