Half friends

It happened more than once
That I thought I knew someone
but got slapped in the face
as it turned out that
I actually knew so little about this person

People I've got to know
throughout the years
I consider them my friends
-Good friends
not the ones
you just say 'hi' to every now and then
when you pass them while doing your shopping-
I still consider them my friends
I bless them and love having them around
But I found out
certain topics
are just not done to talk about
or they are, but just not
when they hit home too much.

I've come to peace with this
but still it feels like lying,
negative karma,
when I tell a half truth
for their own sake
as I know what their reaction will be
they'll deny it and explain how open minded they are
but I know that deep inside
they'll ask questions
start walking away from me-
maybe even unconsciously-
They can deny it
but I know this is the truth
their truth
they might not see it
and say I'm a liar
but I sense it
I feel it

I might even know them better
than they know themselves.

Pride

I thought you had
long forgotten
I hoped you had
But you brought up
the conversation again
1,5 year after date.
you were the only person
i'd even speak to about it
in first place
and yet
i was afraid
to say it out loud
to speak the truth
and
reveal the real me

So I didn't say it
I said
"errm maybe
i dunno
could be"
I was surprised
by myself
Why couldn't I speak the truth
I, who'd always say
that's the most important factor
in life!
I disappointed myself
for didn't speaking the truth

But I know that
someday I will
Someday
I will be proud of myself.

Frédérique Huydts: August 19 1967- April 3 2006
A fighter.

Such a beautiful soul
Such a powerful woman
Sparkling eyes
Kind hearted.

Taken away.

I didn't even know you
personally
But that didn't keep me
from reserving a little place
for you in my heart.

You were such a big example.
When you first heard the diagnosis
You immediately started the fight
You didn't even think about dying
You were convinced you were gonna win.

And you did
win the fight.
I was so happy.
But then
an other infection
entered your body
after all the fighting
you had gone through
the last months
you just couldn't start a new fight.
ironically
after all this fighting
winning the fight
another opportunity to fight
came on your path
but before you even could
start the fight
it took you away.

Frédérique died this afternoon, April 3 2006. Only 38 years old. May her soul rest in peace.

Lost chance

Closer than that
you had never been
and you will probably
never be.
Against all odds
I wanted to walk over to you
Start a conversation
Share the fun.
You were standing there alone
I wanted to take my chance
But for some reason
My legs didn't want to move.
I wanted to walk over to you
Just 2 or 3 steps away from me
But I simply couldn't.
I wasn't even afraid
to be disappointed
to be rejected
I don't know what it was.

I even got a second chance
We were both upstairs
alone
for a moment or two
You started
the "conversation"
I should have
kept talking
instead of turning my back to you
to take some money from my wallet

I keep asking myself
why
why
why
The best chance I would ever get
Why did I have to blow it?
Why couldn't I
shoot the arrow
right in the centre
right in your heart?
Why were my arms too heavy
to take up the bow in the first place?