Blog therapy part 1

Yesterday night i had five more minutes or so before I was supposed to meet a friend, so I sat down on the couch and turned a show called "Hoogtepunten van Vrienden van Amstel Live". I remember thinking about how awesome it would be if Sarah's performance would air right that moment. Barely ten seconds later, there she is. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears; that was so cool!! I immediately sat down on the couch again and decided that my friend would have had to wait a couple more minutes. Sarah's duet with Thé Lau was real nice, but Sarah performing Not an Addict on her own, at the end of song joined by Brainpower, just blew my mind. And that particular moment I just had to turn on the volume, sing along as loud as I could and I felt happy. I felt happy, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to laugh until the morning came. Well, I didn't really do that, but that warm feeling on my inside stayed and still accompanies me while I am writing this blog.

Yeah, sigh...that's some nice stuff. Such a little thing completely making my day. I was sitting on the couch at my friend's house, still completely overwhelmed and it felt like I finally was myself around others; a feeling I haven't had since I finished primary school.
Take for example my supposedly very good friends I, L and S. I've known them for about ten years and we grew close in the past two years. I love them, God bless their hearts, but it becomes increasingly difficult for me just being around them. In every thing I say, in every gesture I make I feel like I'm betraying them and myself. I hate to go out and dance; I'd rather go to the pub all night. So I decide not to join them. I don't regret that decision yet I'm not completely fine with it either. I know that if I would have gone the minute I entered the club I would have wanted to leave again. I don't like the music, I don't like the people and I hate the dancing. And no company of friends can make up for that, simply because they don't know about that. On the other hand, I hate the fact that I'm constantly letting people down. I know they don't understand, I don't fully understand it myself either. And in the end, we'll just grow farther and farther away from each other, until I have no one left to call my frend. Oddly enough, that might be what I want right now. It's hard enough figuring out who you are without having to deal with the constant reminder that the people surrounding you are trying to figure that out about you as well. But on the long run, I might need them and they might need me. Or maybe they won't. That's impossible to say right now but I don't have the guts to simply walk down my own road; it's so much safer to walk down the public road. Frankly, I just want to go to a desert island and get things straight before I go mad. Truth is, I just don't have that luxury, nor the time or money to do such a thing. I'll just have to make shift with what I have.
But it's so hard. And I know that no one ever said life would be easy, but I was kind of surprised about the head spinning stuff I have to deal with. Sometimes I'm scared the keeping inside will drive me insane.