Playing hide-and-seek with yourself rarely works out the way you want.

When I first came out to a couple of my friends I thought I had it all under control and I thought I knew exactly what their reactions would be. Turns out: I was as wrong as a cow's behind. Before my coming out, I had excluded myself from my friends for months, trying to sort out all the feelings I had. I didn't think I could face them, who thought they completely knew me, without even knowing who I was myself. So I thought and thought until it got depressed. I thought I had been ok with who I am for a couple years now, I never made a big deal of it, but I had kept it all this time for myself. And that was slowly killing me on the inside. Every time I'd go out of my house and socialise with people, I felt like a criminal, for lying to my friends like that. I coldn't have a normal conversation without hearing my own voice scream inside my head "I'M A LEZZIE!!! I'M A LESBIAN!" I thought I had gotten mental or something.

And I was slowly driving myself crazy indeed. I'd desperately hide any website with some reference to homosexuality from my computer screen every time my mom or brother entered the room. Not because I was scared they'd condemn me to hell or something, but I just didn't want them to know..yet. Cuz telling them, meant to be vulnerable and I don't want to be that, especially not to them, my family.

Then I met someone, another lezzie, while i was on my way to a concert. It really clicked and we kept in touch on a very regular base. We really liked each other and that, although eventually nothing happened between us, made me feel good about myself.

I had promised myself for years that i'd come out when i had found a girlfriend, to show it was serious and not some sort of phase or something. Now there finally was someone, a potential love interest. The feelings I had had for years finally got confirmed, I really am a lesbian. So now it really was time to come out.
On March 1, I went to this sort of reunion with a lot of good friends I hadn't seen in quite a while. A couple days earlier I had come out to a friend, who I had told about my feelings a couple years ago already. But now, I had set a goal for myself, I wanted to tell three of my friends at least. So after a couple of beers, amaretto-orange juices and a lot of smokes i did it. The first one, Lizzie, was no problem at all. I knew she knew and I knew some other things as well so that one went easy. The second one, Derek, happened real fast. We hadn't even seperated from the rest, like I had done with Lizzie, and I just told him right in the middle of a conversation and it went really smoothly. The third one, however, Remy, was odd. He didn't react weird or anything, but just the whole conversation was odd. Neither of us really knew what to say, so were just standing there in the kitchen staring at each other. I was glad when it was over with, but at least I had told him.

Now the funny thing was that apparently I had been really blind the last couple of years cuz ALL of them said they had known and that it was no surprise at all.
Ha, silly me, not everything can be hidden inside, no matter how much you want it. No one can hide their real selves. All you can do is try as hard as you can. But friends, good friends, will notice; they'll see the real you shining through.