Motherfucker

again, the old times showed up. Funny how I was thinking yesterday about how they had passed. No more threatenings, no more shouting, no more tears. But tears are being shed, again. Right now, and I want to run away now as fast as I can, but instead I lay in my bed under the sheets. I don't want to hear her talk unresprectfully to him, even though that dickhead deserves it, cuz I know what will come next. Raised voices, while the visitor has barely left our house. Raised voices, aggression, threats, name calling. I just heard her say the words I one day hope to say myself: 'I am not and won't ever be scared of you'. But I am so scared. I am so scared of the man I'm supposed to call my dad. I hate the motherfucker.
Even though he has never really physically abused me, he definitely has been fucking up my head. Emotional abuse it really is. How can this possibly be a good environment for someone who is growing up?? I am hopefully out of this place in a couple of months, but what about my brother? He's only 15, still developing and I see him sometimes show the signs as well, which scares the shit out of me.
And what about my mom? I hate to leave her behind, but I am not that altruistic: I have to think of myself as well. I really hate to go and my feelings of guilt are fucking up my mind, but I have to or I'll fucking kill myself from within.

I am really trying but I just can't forgive...and most certainly I can't and won't forget.



Motherfucker....