Running away from me......as fast as I can.....illusions....

I keep on telling them the same story time and time again. Whenever someone asks how I am doing I just say something like "Oh..fine...I guess." Doubtful and sad enough for people to start asking questions; yet not too frustrating and tearjerking enough for people to start thinking I'm depressed. I want to talk about how I feel and what's going on with me; heck if I even could I'd scream my lungs out!! It's just that I can't say it. I just can't say the words. I'm not sure why, but I just can't get the words out of my mouth.
So most of the time I just keep it vague. "Truth is, a lot of things have happened to me lately and my health is not that well, so I'm not feeling all that good, mentally and physically." Most of the time that's my answer. And people understand....or so they think.

I am craving for this special thing, this LOVE. But how can I possibly love someone (or how can someone love me?) when I don't even love myself? Everyday I say to myself "Acceptance is the key. Love yourself", but that's easier said than done. I try, Lord knows I try so hard.

I keep thinking; some day when I'm outta here and living happily in the USA with all kinds of new people surrounding me, then I will be able to speak my truth and say who I really am. That's what I keep saying to myself and I believe it. Without that thought I could probably not survive.
Yet the more I keep saying this to myself, the more I start to realize my whole future image is an illusion. It won't be easier when I live somewhere else! The problem is exactly the same, I just relocated it!!

But I keep believing...believing...believing...

For I will not surive

without the illusion that I can run away from myself.