Fragile state of mind

Having dinner with my friends
Playing sports with my friends
Partying with my friends
I value those days, hours, minutes we spend together
Finally I've found people who appreciate
the kind of person I am.
Stop-
I forgot to add:
the kind of person I am
on the outside
They like the
superficial me.
This meant a lot to me
as the people whom I thought of as my friends
couldn't even like
my superficial me
so I hid it
I hid a part of me
to be liked by the people I liked.
Yet a year ago
I realized that
I actually liked that
superficial part of me
and I realized it was bullshit
to hide that side from the people
I didn't really see as friends anyway
An old friendship relives
they like
the outer me
and for quite some time
that was enough.

Yet now
I feel my soul craving for more
Acceptance
from the people I do really like
the people I love and care so much about.

Yesterday night
we had dinner at one of our homes
we sat outside in the garden
talking about everything
everyone's opinion mattered
and I couldn't help but wondering
would they still like me
if I showed a side of me
they hadn't seen yet?
if I showed a part of me
that nobody has ever seen before?
I can't help but feeling like
I carry this huge, dark secret in my soul
while that's so not what it is!
I just need that confirmation so badly
yet I don't want to take the risk
of losing my loved ones
and i guess I'm afraid of
seeing this side of myself
that I've hid so lang
for myself as well.

I hate to admit it.
I'm so scared.