Another birthday; another visit from grandma

So much negativity
So much bad karma
I can't help feeling this way
and I don't think I'm strong enough
to turn that negative energy
into something positive
I want to look strong so desperately
that I'm only disappointed
when my weak me pops up again.

I can't help but
wanting to put on my running shoes and
run away
as fast as I can

The thing is
for a while things go well
and then we crash
we crash
and i go down the negative spiral
yet again.
i can't help but wanting to leave this negativity

behind me.

i'm so afraid
of the pain i'll cause
yet i'll die
if i stay


i need to get away
out of my toxic life.
away from the people
i've spend my whole life with
i love them
yet i despise them

i'm torn
between decency
and
(my) well-being.