So the strangest thing happened to me this weekend
Something you should know before reading: I'm in the closet pretty much. Only one friend vaguely knows that I might me gay (okay that sounds really lame but it's the truth).
So last Saturday 2 friends gave this party. There were several friends I was rather close to the last 6 years and some vague acquaintences. We hung at at L's house and later that night we cycled a bloody half an hour to go to this bar. The bar was packed so we sat down at a table suitable for 7-8 people with about 12 of us. Real cosy :-D . All at a sudden this guy E. (one of the vague acquaintences) bends over and asks me "so do you have a girlfriend?" Just like that. So I say "what?" hoping I took his question the wrong way. "You're a lesbian, right?" he asks and continues to say some other stuff that I don't pay attention to. "Uh-uh" I say and nod. 'Fuck' I thought, my brain working overtime and I got really shaky. My heart was beating like crazy and I desperately needed a smoke and a drink to calm down a bit (ok not such a good habit i know)
"(...)she said..or I guessed it, something like that" I immediately came back to reality. "Who?" I ask, but I already know the answer. Damnit.
The only person I ever confided it, believing she could keep a secret, had just blurted out such a personal thing I was not ready to share yet. She told it to someone I barely know and she didn't bother to tell me that. I mean, did she tell it yesterday, a week ago, a month? Fuck you, M.
Funny thing is I didn't feel any kind of anger or frustration towards her. I didn't feel anything towards her and I still don't. Guess I had suspected subconciously that she couldn't keep a secret.
He continues to ask stuff and talk about my gaynes; in a very respectful and understanding manner btw. I felt like such a coward, but I just couldn't look him in the eye. Blankly, I stared to the wall, listening to E and at the same time I tried to relax a bit and stop shaking, although my mind was working like crazy. So every once in a while I'd nod and say "yes, you're so right. That's true." blahblah but I just wasn't ready to seriously talk about the big fat homo I really am (ok so i've been watching the L word way too much lately :-D). Especially not with 10 other people around us.
So that's basically what happened. I was just so shocked! And i'm so confused right now. I just don't know whether I should feel happy that I blindly confirmed it when it was asked right in my face and that it's a small step towards being out, or that I should feel bad about the fact that this one person I barely know, while it's none of his business anyway, knows while I promised myself there wasn't any need to tell this group of people cuz I prolly won't ever see them anymore after next week. I'm confused :?
So last Saturday 2 friends gave this party. There were several friends I was rather close to the last 6 years and some vague acquaintences. We hung at at L's house and later that night we cycled a bloody half an hour to go to this bar. The bar was packed so we sat down at a table suitable for 7-8 people with about 12 of us. Real cosy :-D . All at a sudden this guy E. (one of the vague acquaintences) bends over and asks me "so do you have a girlfriend?" Just like that. So I say "what?" hoping I took his question the wrong way. "You're a lesbian, right?" he asks and continues to say some other stuff that I don't pay attention to. "Uh-uh" I say and nod. 'Fuck' I thought, my brain working overtime and I got really shaky. My heart was beating like crazy and I desperately needed a smoke and a drink to calm down a bit (ok not such a good habit i know)
"(...)she said..or I guessed it, something like that" I immediately came back to reality. "Who?" I ask, but I already know the answer. Damnit.
The only person I ever confided it, believing she could keep a secret, had just blurted out such a personal thing I was not ready to share yet. She told it to someone I barely know and she didn't bother to tell me that. I mean, did she tell it yesterday, a week ago, a month? Fuck you, M.
Funny thing is I didn't feel any kind of anger or frustration towards her. I didn't feel anything towards her and I still don't. Guess I had suspected subconciously that she couldn't keep a secret.
He continues to ask stuff and talk about my gaynes; in a very respectful and understanding manner btw. I felt like such a coward, but I just couldn't look him in the eye. Blankly, I stared to the wall, listening to E and at the same time I tried to relax a bit and stop shaking, although my mind was working like crazy. So every once in a while I'd nod and say "yes, you're so right. That's true." blahblah but I just wasn't ready to seriously talk about the big fat homo I really am (ok so i've been watching the L word way too much lately :-D). Especially not with 10 other people around us.
So that's basically what happened. I was just so shocked! And i'm so confused right now. I just don't know whether I should feel happy that I blindly confirmed it when it was asked right in my face and that it's a small step towards being out, or that I should feel bad about the fact that this one person I barely know, while it's none of his business anyway, knows while I promised myself there wasn't any need to tell this group of people cuz I prolly won't ever see them anymore after next week. I'm confused :?
posted by peaceofmind | 2:09 AM
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